


Flashback

by In_Dee



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 13:49:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20341153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Dee/pseuds/In_Dee
Summary: Going undercover and pretending to be a couple goes wrong for Callen and Kensi. He’s got his hands full to try and keep their covers intact while protecting Kensi from the past.





	Flashback

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story contains allusions to past non-con events even though there are no graphic details included, so please don’t read if this is a trigger for you!
> 
> That being said... of course this veers way off the canon storyline, but I’ve sometimes felt there was something more going on in 'Spoils of War' than what was shown. So this piece was born. From there on, a prequel came up that shows more or less the immediate aftermath of what I thought could have happened in 'Spoils of War'.

It hadn’t been the first time they had been undercover as a couple, even going so far as pretending to have sex just a closed door away from the scum they were after. It hadn’t even been the first time after the cursed White Ghost mission in Afghanistan that had changed Kensi in a fundamental way. It was the first time though that it went wrong on so many levels, sending Kensi into a flashback and threatening to compromise their mission and possibly prematurely end their lives.

The raucous laughter of several men reached him while he shifted, rolling them over on the bed, hearing the bedsprings squeak. The popping of the fire could be heard through the open window.

Callen frowned when Kensi suddenly went rigid under him, the tension in her body multiplying without any noticeable reason. His senses were highly attuned to their surroundings and nothing had changed that would have prompted this change in Kensi. Those thoughts were processed in a split second while he levered himself up a little. He recoiled sharply when his movement prompted a counter move and suddenly Kensi started fighting him, screaming at him to stop.

Surprised and stunned, he was a moment too slow to deflect the hand that came his way and Kensi’s nails bit into his cheek as she scratched him, trying to push him off with her other hand.

Her eyes were glazed, lost in the distance of a memory that suddenly became real to her. All of it happened quickly, surprising him. He needed half a second to understand what was happening, another one to process and another to determine a course of action.

The men outside had gone silent upon Kensi’s screams and he knew they were listening intently.

He needed to get a handle on this so as not to blow their covers. At the same time, he had to make sure to get through to Kensi.

Fuck, this could go bad in so many ways.

His priorities clashed. Kensi, his team, their safety and well-being - both physical and emotional - was always a priority, but right now those two stood in direct conflict to each other. Drawing Kensi out of the flashback by calling her name and reassuring her she was safe and not in Afghanistan would leave them open to an attack after being made. Solidifying their cover and remaining alive would put Kensi’s emotional well-being at risk.

Callen cursed the mission, cursed the men outside of the open window and mostly, he cursed himself for what he needed to do to assure their survival.

He snatched Kensi’s wrists, guiding them over her head and pressing them to the mattress. She fought harder as a result and he loosened his grip on her wrists somewhat, instead intertwining their hands and locking their fingers together so she couldn’t break free. He needed to restrain her but do so in a way without driving her deeper into the flashback.

“Stop struggling already,” he growled, half out of frustration, half for the prying ears of those outside, loud enough to be heard outside, proven by the renewed laughter of the men. He would bet that there was at least one of them beside the window now while the rest would probably remain seated around the bonfire that was crackling merrily away. It was close enough to overhear what was going on inside as well.

He hated that in doing what he was doing - what they thought was going on inside the room - he had just solidified their perception of him, had just made himself that much more at home within their group. Callen felt sick.

Kensi was still fighting him, yelling for him to stop and leave her alone. He was heavier than her and while she could throw him off of her if she were coherent enough to consider and plan her moves, in her current state she was no match to him. He used his bodyweight as leverage and kept her down.

He needed to get her out of that flashback soon - preferably before she switched to the rudimentary Pashtu he knew she spoke and which would be fitting the flashback she was most certainly lost in. Tilting his head down, he barely managed to jerk back when she tried head butting him. His grunt followed the squeak of the bedsprings that sudden movement provoked.

“Jesus, stop it,” he ground out, hating that the tone of his voice would probably put her even more on edge. Still, he was very limited in what he could say and do. Shifting his weight once more, he drew her hands together and locked his right hand around her wrists again. He needed a hand free to keep her head away from smashing against his. His now freed left hand going to her forehead, he pushed her down, once more hating himself for what he knew this restraint might do to her. Still, now that he could control her movements a bit easier, he bent his head down once more, putting his mouth to her ear. “Calm down,” he murmured to her, fearing the words wouldn’t reach her. He had to break through to her somehow, tether her back into the here and now instead of the terrors of what had happened to her years ago. “Fern,” he whispered, “calm down.” He had never called her by that nickname. It hadn’t been his to use, instead it belonged to Deeks, belonged to _Kensi and Deeks_, but it might have the potential to draw her out and get her back.

Her struggles slowed upon the name, justifying his reasoning of the use of that nickname. Both of them were panting harshly, the bedsprings that he was beginning to hate still squeaking upon their combined movements.

Encouraged by her reaction, he caressed her forehead with his fingertip, his right hand loosening fractionally around her hands, still poised to restrain her again if necessary. “Fern, stop struggling.” He couldn’t call her by her name, couldn’t try to call her back differently or reassure her that she was safe. They hadn’t checked the room for listening devices before he had tugged her inside under the leers of the men outside so he didn’t even dare risk whispering into her ear. He simply couldn’t risk wording anything differently.

His words seemed to reach her though, her struggles easing further. “That’s it. See?” Her eyes were still clouded, but the haze was leaving slowly.

Callen kept up a quiet murmur, repeating her nickname often, each time dragging her back further from the flashback she was lost in. Tears streamed down her face, her breathing was rapid and keening sounds were escaping her.

He loathed that all of this, their harsh breathing, the sounds of distress she made and the damn creaking bedsprings that would only further prove to the men that he was the scum they thought he was, taking his pleasure in his unwilling girlfriend.

Eventually, finally, Kensi’s eyes cleared. He watched her take in the situation, his body on top of hers, pressed chest to chest, his legs squeezed around hers and holding them down, his hand on her wrists and head. He saw the moment realization of what had happened hit her and her eyes went wide, her mouth opening. He didn’t know what she was going to say but considering what had just happened, he was pretty sure it wouldn’t match their cover. His hand left her forehead and pressed against her mouth. “Be quiet, Fern,” he murmured, resting his forehead against hers, allowing himself a brief moment to process what had happened, to process their current situation.

The laughter outside was still there, background noise before someone hollered for him to ‘get done already’. He shot Kensi an apologetic gaze and moved over her some more, the rhythmic creaking of the damn bedsprings stopping finally when he groaned in pretended bliss.

He was far from being blissed.

Tears were still falling from Kensi’s eyes and she wore a somewhat dazed expression when he bent down and brushed a kiss against her temple. “It’s ok. I’ve got you,” he whispered gently before straightening slowly. He carefully let go of her hands, watching her warily for the possibility of an attack. It didn’t come. Instead she withdrew her hands before sitting up and putting them on his chest, shoving him away. The shove was mild but he shifted his weight away from her, letting her go.

He watched her scramble from the bed and stumble over to the closest corner of the room, sinking down and drawing her legs up. Her eyes were full of turmoil and he worried that she might succumb to another flashback. He couldn’t have that.

Callen stood and moved closer to her, stilling when she tensed once he crossed an imaginary line. He crouched down, trying to catch her eyes. When she didn’t look up at him, he snapped his fingers sharply, watching her head jerk upwards before her eyes found his. He held her gaze, watching her eyes clear once more and giving her a small reassuring smile.

The laughter outside remained, the men egging each other on, most certainly telling stories of their own conquests.

She shuddered in her corner, drawn up into a ball, minimizing her size.

Callen made sure to keep his expression neutral, hating what he was about to do to her. “Oh come on, don’t be like that. You’ve done well,” he said, loud enough for the men outside to hear, putting enough sleazy satisfaction into his tone to be convincing. Braying laugher from outside answered.

Kensi looked away but he carefully reached out and put a single finger under her chin, tilting her head up and ducking his own head slightly to catch her gaze once more. She allowed the contact but he could see that she was floundering. He needed to get her out of here. Callen brushed a tear away from her cheek, their gazes still connected.

He hoped she could read his intent, read the reassurances he tried to send her way.

He hoped she would continue to trust him after this.

When Kensi drew a shaky breath a few minutes later, her eyes clear of the flashback if not the pain of what had happened, he gave her a slow nod which she returned. Only then did Callen withdraw from her, standing and moving over to where he had left his clothes.

He had decided on a course of action while he was crouched down in front of her. This assignment was over for her. He took out his phone and typed a short message. The wording would send up enough red flags that things would be put into motion right away.

‘_Fern needs to go home so that I can finish business. Have someone fetch her asap_’. The address he tagged on was a couple of blocks away from where they were. The team knew exactly where they were, but in case anyone managed to snoop around his phone, it wouldn’t draw any suspicion as to why he hadn’t included an address.

Returning to his previous position in front of Kensi, he turned the phone and showed her the message. Kensi read the words before looking back up and shaking her head firmly.

Callen simply pointed to the phone once more, making sure that she knew that this was what would happen.

Kensi shook her head once more, using her hands to sign that she should watch him. Yeah, that had been her role. Backup for a team mate. They were supposed to back each other up. It didn’t mean she could do it right now though. She wasn’t in any state to watch his back with what had just transpired and she would become a liability if he couldn’t focus on the mission but had to tap the line to make sure she was alright.

This time, Callen shook his head. He would pull rank on this. She needed to go home and get her head sorted. Even if she was clear headed right now, a flashback this powerful and disturbing would have sapped all of her strength. She needed to take care of herself now and recuperate before she could focus on something like an undercover mission.

He had worked after one of his own flashbacks, hadn’t had any other option as he had been deep in enemy territory in a foreign country, but he had nearly gotten himself killed when his mind hadn’t functioned as it needed to and his body had been lethargic with exhaustion. He didn’t want or need that happening - to her or to him - and they had the option of pulling her out without too many difficulties.

Standing, Callen went over to the bed and gathered her shirt up before tossing it over to her. “Get dressed,” he told her firmly, putting enough steel into his voice to let her know he was serious about this.

Kensi sighed and hung her head, trembling slightly in the corner before eventually uncurling and starting to dress. They both dressed in silence, staying out of each other’s paths, Kensi shifting away from him several times when he got close.

Once they were both dressed, he beckoned her over to the door. He stepped up to her and put his hands on her shoulder, feeling the tension and the barely concealed quakes that ran through her.

His phone chimed with an incoming text and he took it out of his pocket without withdrawing completely from her.

‘_ETA 30 mins. Porter_’

Andrew Porter was an alias of Deeks’ that they had used before; a sleazy lawyer that would mesh well with Callen’s current cover. He was certain that Nell and Eric were already working on backstopping that and would find a way to fill him in on how they would incorporate Deeks into Callen’s cover story.

He nodded to himself before putting the phone away. Straightening, he glanced at Kensi once more. She was holding herself together, but he could see the cracks. The only good thing right now was that no one would notice the cracks were for anything different than what the men had heard supposedly transpire inside this room.

It wouldn’t be long now. She only had to hold on for a few more minutes.

His hands ran up to her neck and he leaned forward, dropping a gentle kiss on her forehead. She shuddered against him. At least she allowed the contact and didn’t recoil from him completely. Still, he feared that this would stand between them for some time.

He hoped she would hold it together for a little longer. Stepping away from her, he took one of her hands in his. Hesitating briefly in front of the door, he drew a measured breath, trying to settle back into his alias instead of his role as a worried team leader and friend. Opening the door, he tugged her outside after him. He could feel the reluctance in her, but they needed to see this through now. He would get her out soon. He squeezed her hand, hoping to offer more reassurance.

Stepping out of the house, making sure to put some swagger into his gait and enough loose, sated satisfaction into his bearing, he drew her after him, back to the men around the fire.

They were met with lazy sneers and barely veiled comments. Callen gracefully sprawled down in a chair, tugging Kensi onto his lap and drawing her firmly against his body, projecting possessiveness and ownership. She held herself carefully together, but her bearing was smaller, bowed and she wouldn’t lift her gaze from the floor.

“Had your fun?” the leader of the group smirked.

Callen turned to him, making his expression settle into a satisfied leer while he tightened his hold around Kensi. “Oh, yeah. She can be a handful.”

The leader grinned and pointed towards his face with the can of beer in his hand. “Looks like it.”

Callen reached up and touched his cheek, remembering the scratches that Kensi had left in her first blind attack. Kensi’s eyes flicked over to his and she seemed to shrink into herself further, her head bowing down.

The men noticed and laughed. Callen joined in, feeling hollow inside. He leaned back in his chair and shrugged easily, oozing confidence. “Not like she got away with it.”

Even in the dim light of the fire, he could see the color drain from Kensi’s face. He silently implored her to hold herself together.

The image she projected to the men would solidify the supposed unwilling intercourse - the tear tracks on her face, her posture hunched and curled into herself. His own bearing further supported it as well - confidence, satisfaction, dominance. Still, he hated doing this to her, knew the words would cut deep and hurt her further. Still, his priority right now had to be to get her out in one piece. Making amends with her could come later.

“Let’s hope she won’t make any more trouble for you.” The threat was veiled, but the undertone was dark.

Callen grinned lazily, a hand sliding up and down Kensi’s stomach. “I can handle her,” he drawled before straightening in his chair, “but you’re right. She has no place here. I already asked someone to come and fetch her so she won’t continue to be a… distraction,” he gave her a blatant once over. “They’ll be here in 20 minutes.”

The leader narrowed his eyes. “You gave them this address?”

Callen rolled his eyes. “Of course not. They’ll pick her up a couple of blocks away. I’ll walk her there, make sure she gets there in one piece… unmolested.” Another empty smirk settled on his lips as the men howled with laughter upon the pointed comment.

He felt Kensi shiver against him. He stilled his hands, letting them rest on her stomach. He didn’t want to push her into another flashback. He willed her to keep it together for a little longer.

A few more minutes of small talk went by. Kensi held herself somewhat rigidly, but he could see the exhaustion sinking into her. Adrenaline was fading and she would begin to feel the physical repercussions of the flashback, the exhaustion that dulled her senses.

They would need a few minutes to reach the meeting point so Callen decided enough time had passed. He tapped Kensi’s hip, shifting beneath her and making her scramble up off his lap. He followed, his hand curling around her wrist when she took a step away from him. The short interaction wasn’t missed by the men and there were some more smirks.

“I’ll be back once I’ve dropped her off,” Callen stated simply, making eye contact with the leader who nodded.

Turning away, he tugged Kensi after him, loosening his grip around her wrist and instead sliding his hand into hers. It was hard to see Kensi this quiet and unbalanced. The usual calm and confident air that surrounded her was absent and he knew she was fighting both her demons and the exhaustion after the flashback.

A block away from the house she relaxed minutely. When she drew a slow breath and opened her mouth to say something he squeezed her hand. “Not a word, Fern,” he said somewhat sharply.

They were being followed, had been from the moment they turned the corner of the driveway. He hadn’t gotten them this far only to lose the battle now. They needed to see this through, play the cards they had been dealt.

Her teeth clicked shut and she looked down.

He hated this mission. He hated what this - what he - was doing to her.

Internally, he breathed a sigh of relief when they turned the last corner and he saw that Deeks was already waiting for them.

One last thing to do. Pushing Kensi against the side of the car, keeping his movements gentle without it looking that way, he crowded into her space. One hand tangled in her hair, so he could angle her head slightly. The hitch of breath and tensing of her body didn’t go unnoticed, but he still had a cover to sell. Dropping a kiss on her neck, he then put his lips to her ear, “go home. Let them take care of you,” he whispered before brushing a kiss against her temple and stepping back.

He opened the passenger door for her and waited for her to sit down before he leaned into the car and made eye contact with Deeks. The Detective’s eyes were stormy and worried. He had already taken in Kensi’s posture and the message earlier would have worried him as well. Callen nodded. Deeks and the rest of the team would take care of Kensi. “Return her home, Porter,” he told his team mate firmly before he stepped back and closed the car door, turning around without another backwards glance.

Xxxxxxx

Callen sat in his darkened living room. The room was still comfortably empty of furniture, a stack of books doubling as a stand for the chess board he was currently occupied with, playing against himself. His mind was wandering.

The assignment was finally done. Six weeks of undercover work, alone and with minimal backup. He didn’t mind that part, had often worked alone before and he knew he could handle himself.

The arrests today had gone smoothly. He had been taken into custody with the lot of them to keep his cover intact to use another day.

He hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

He hated that cover.

It wasn’t a bad cover as such and it had been an easy one to settle into in the beginning. Sometimes getting lost in a cover was a danger. Not this time. Even though it had been an easy cover, that night with Kensi had changed the dynamic of the alias into something he loathed. He had not struggled with maintaining that alias, but he was profoundly glad that he could shed that coat and hopefully never look at it again. It was tainted with pictures of Kensi’s breakdown.

A few moments of this assignment were burned into his mind; Kensi’s desperate struggle, her tears, her bowed frame, the hollow and dazed expression, her hunched figure in the car when Deeks drove her away.

He hadn’t allowed himself to process all of it, to sort it in his head and put it behind him. There hadn’t been time during the mission. He needed to make that time soon. And he probably needed to talk to her before he could do that.

Kensi hadn’t been part of the take-down. He hadn’t seen her since he had bundled her into the car with Deeks and sent her away. He hadn’t asked Sam about her when he had picked him up at the police station after he was let go today, feared what his partner had to say about how badly he had handled the situation. Six weeks he had brooded over what had happened, wondering if he could have handled it differently, knowing he _should_ have handled it differently… somehow.

Callen snapped to attention when there was a faint creak of a floor board of the porch. Grabbing his gun from where he had tucked it under his leg, he stood and silently crossed his living room to the front door. Glancing outside without shifting the curtains or making his presence known otherwise, he frowned when he recognized Kensi outside. She seemed hesitant, her hand rising and falling several times, the motion of knocking always interrupted before her hand could make contact with the wood.

Tucking his gun away into the back of his jeans, he opened the door, startling Kensi and making her take a step back.

He gave her a small, disarming smile. “Wanna come in or are you considering chickening out?” he asked, putting a careful note of a challenge into his tone, knowing it would provoke her inside instead of spooking her away.

He smiled internally when her eyes sharpened and she indeed stepped forward. Closing the door behind her, he followed her into the living room and gestured for her to take the chair. She didn’t, instead shifted restlessly, uncertain. Callen sighed and stepped towards her. He put his hands on her shoulder when she made no move to resume a physical distance between them. Ducking his head down, he caught her gaze. “I’m sorry,” Callen said gently.

Kensi’s head came up with a jerk, her eyes widening. “What? Why are you sorry? I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

Callen tilted his head to the side in a silent question, shaking his head before she could go on though, needing to say his piece first. “I’m sorry for what I said, what I did, how I handled the situation.”

Kensi shook her head firmly, reaching up and putting her hands onto his forearms. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Callen. I lost it and you had to pick up the pieces. I could have easily blown our covers and my behavior endangered us both.”

Callen scoffed, “it’s not like that was in your power to control.” When Kensi opened her mouth to argue, he reached out and put a finger on her lips, “I know you would want it differently, but a flashback that powerful often cannot be controlled, Kens.”

She deflated slightly.

“Do you know what happened? What triggered it?” he asked softly. “It wasn’t the first time we were undercover like that.”

She nodded slowly, “the smoke of the fire,” she murmured. “Back then, in the caves... they had a fire going and the smoke lingered in the cavern.”

“Sense memory,” Callen sighed softly. Smell was a powerful sense and could often be the key to hidden or repressed memories. At least it wasn’t something he had done that had triggered the flashback. That was a relief to him.

“Yeah,” Kensi agreed. She leaned forward, stepping into his body and he could do nothing but encircle her in return. “I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry I put us at risk.”

His fingers drifted to the back of Kensi's head, but he didn't push or pull or force, and the gesture, tender and gentle, soothed her if the release of tension was anything to go by. “Nothing to be sorry about, Kens. I’m just glad you’re ok,” he told her, drawing back to glance into her face, gauging her expression. There was a darkness that lingered and he took an educated guess at what was eating at her, “don’t make this into something it’s not, Kens. This doesn’t impede on your capability as an agent, you hear me?”

“But what if…?”

He interrupted her. “No, don’t go there, Kens. These things happen. Things go wrong. Covers get blown. There were no grave repercussions. You got out. We continued on. Case is closed. You can’t live in a ‘what if’. I was there and we dealt with it. You have nothing to apologize for or take the blame for. Alright?”

She nodded slowly and he could see she would need to be told a few more times before she would allow herself to believe it. Today was not the day though. They had repaired some of what had been broken by the assignment, had both made amends with each other and were trying to make amends with themselves. While he still wondered if he could have done anything differently, he knew now that Kensi wasn’t holding what had happened against him and that it wouldn’t stand between them for a long time. There might be some tense moments in the future, but her trust in him seemed to hold.

“Thanks for being there,” she whispered, showing an uncharacteristic vulnerability.

He palmed her cheek, smiling when she leaned into the gentle hold. Leaning forward, he dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Anytime. Day or night,” he murmured, repeating what he had told her shortly after Afghanistan. While they never put an official label on it, he knew his own feelings towards her were that of a sibling, a sister to take care of and protect. When she had turned to him back then, that feeling of responsibility had only strengthened.

They stood like that for several more minutes and he felt calmer than he had before she had come. He hoped the same held true for her. When she eventually shifted, he let her go. “You want to stay for a while?” he asked her gently, not surprised when she shook her head though. It was time for her to retreat behind her own walls.

“Deeks is waiting outside,” she told him calmly as she stepped back. “I just had to do this… outside of the office.”

He gave her an understanding nod. “Anytime, Kens.”

She gave him a small smile, “I know.” With that she turned and moved over to the front door. He watched her closely, noting that her posture held less tension and uncertainty than before. They had both needed this.

Looking away only when the door closed behind her, he returned to his chess board, sitting back down and beginning to play in earnest now that his mind was more settled.

It would take some time for him to let go of his own feelings of guilt about how he handled the situation, but things between them would heal. They would be ok.


End file.
